changes in life.

So may 30th i found out that i was bringing a child into the world.. and i wasn't scared at all because i knew i had my family so close to me if i needed help. i had a supportive man who loved me and took care of my every need. It feels as in a blink of an eye i'm losing my entire family. One day my family lives only 30 minutes away and next day my mother is taking my sisters and moving up 20 hours away. I dont understand why she would want to leave me or her grandson right now. She is breaking up my family before i even have my family. Im scared to be alone out here with no one around for help. She says "I am just one phone call away". But, what about only half hour drive away when i need her. Even now when she is up there I do call her and she is too busy to me or i cant get a minute alone with her without someone breaking into our conversion. Im happy to be having a son but not happy that his grandma and aunts wont be living close anymore. Im unsure if they will even be down when hes born. I am blessed to have his family to be so close to us and to help me with anything i need but its still not the same as my mom.

teenage drinking.

so tonight I went to someones birthday party full of high schoolers that were drinking.. the moral here is what is the right thing to do? These kids were out of controll and not mature enough to handle this type of thing. some kids were drinking and driving home. how do i sit by and let this happen.. its not my place im not their gardien.. but i think to myself if that was my child i would hope someone would step in and talk them out of it.. or to do something at all.. so that is what i did ... took control. told people they couldnt leave if they had been drinking.. and took care of a baby while all this is going on.. im 19 not even old enough to drink but have common sense to be the adult in this situation.. i saw a car accident on the way home and it was really bad. i was thinking to myself what if i had let those kids leave and that was them? How would that effect my life? I would feel really guilty.. so am i wrong to do the right thing?

i have to admit my flaws too. i was to that age and not that i was drinking at 16 i was still into my own sorts of trouble.. and i was lucky to have someone step in and change my life forever..

which makes me a better person today. the person i think of when i think of the right or wrong is someone dear to me .. my aunt tamy. shes guided me for so long and shaped my life.. I hope threw me she can help change people to help make them a better person as well..

well goodnight.

getting that funk off your pans.

Have you ever made dinner and was so full you just couldnt do the dishes that night. I did last night. My pans were covered in gunk of old meat and the oils and burnt on hard stuff. I wasnt about to scrub and ruin my new sponge so i filled the pan with water and turned the stove back on. When i pour out the boiling water and burnt food i lightly ran my sponge right over the pan and it came right off like magic.. i was so impressed i had to write this down for others to find. im going to start doing this with all my pans. (photos to come)

Alan

so this is alan.
hes pretty much amazing.
we have been together for about 7 months and he makes me so happy. I love havin him in my life. We laugh everyday. We love everyday. There is so much I could say about him.
Alan has stolen my heart. He really does spoil me. Takes care of me and makes sure I am doing what I need to be doing. He is my prince charming. He is always here for me and never leaves my side. We are never apart. We spend all our time together and I hate when we are apart. I do not know who can spend as much time as we do together and not have big fights. We have little disagreements but we are lucky enough to have found the perfect person for us. I am the luckiest girl in the world!!! I love you.

It kills me that you act as if I'm pure death in itself
my love for you is unconditional, unlike yours.

This is the only way for me to be free
to describe my life and the twists and turns lime a tree.

I wish you knew me
and that I could be
oh so free


That's is all I want.
It's all I wish is to be understood and loved.

With life comes....

It has been a great deal of time since i have been on my blog writtting about what i believe and what i think is right or wrong, or what i feel..
but tonight i went threw something that is hard..

realizing the truth on which i was to recieve.. its sometimes really hard to accept the truth and that is what i had to do tonight.

i dont understand why the things happen the way they do bit i guess they happen for a reason.
It is possible that maybe it is just not my time yet and i will just have to accept that fact. NOthing more than a simple fact.
i guess the fact of life.

life used to be simple easy and pure.. its not that anymore..

As I stare at the sky,
I see a shooting star.
I think of you
And all that we could be.

I made a wish
Upon that shooting star,
Hoping you would love me
The way that I love you.

When I looked into your eyes
I knew it was true;
I loved you,
And I thought you loved me too.

Since then you found a girl;
I wish that I was her,
But I am not,
And I won't stop wishing for you.

Day after day,
I wish you would hold me tight.
Kiss me with your soft gentle lips,
And say that you love me.

But every time I see you,
You're holding on to her;
You're kissing her so gently,
And saying you love her.

I love you more than words could say;
I wish I could hold you night and day.
I'll love you always and forever,
Even if you don't love me.

be careful

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.
Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.
Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.

graduation is making me feel many mixed feelings.
I am excited that im about to start the next chapter in my life. I get to be excited about making my own decsions and just in all i get to grow up. not that i havent grown up for real but i get that slip of paper that says i completed 13 years of something i have been working for even if i didnt like it all the time or want to quit most times.

but than im completelly scared out of my mind. I just cant handle the change. or being forced to do something everyday of my life into being my choice.

hope

there is one thing i hope in from life...
i hope i made my own path in humankind..
i hope i make someone so happy..
i hope that i can bear the most amazing children ever that willmake someone of themselves...
i hope that i can make my mom and dad proud...
i hope i dont fall on my ass..
i hope life isnt as bad as before..
i hope god forgives me for all i have done..
i hope my family will forgive me..
i hope im sucessfull..
i hope i can do my dreams and they will come true..



all i need is to have hope right?

YOU

Pushed away from the rest of the world,
Till you came,
You showed how to be human, yet sane
Careless is what I was
Till you came,
You showed me how to show a form of sympathy.
Why the effort, half the time I neglected your existence
But you still stayed?
You dont belittle me or Degrage me,
You just build me up like a skyscrapper,
till theres that day I cant support my weight,
and gravity brings me to the earth,
And I realize its not a dream.
It really was you all along.

family

i have pondered this so much lately who is my family??

do you pick who your family or are you stuck with blood???

some say blood is thicker than water..

but you know what the famliy i chose are in my heart and if they arent there than the heart is not pumping the blood..

which it doesnt matter if youi have blood or not bc its not being pumped..

so you do chose family and im glad i do bc i have picked some amazing people so far..

im not saying forget your blood family.. im saying keep the people you love in your heart<33

bc they truley matter in life

why

why did you let me down
why couldnt you just let me drown
why couldnt we be in just one town
why dont i have a meltdown
why do i have a frown
why dont i shutdown
why were you a letdown
why did say putdown
why do i have a frown

well now i want to cry
now i want to die
now i want to sigh
now i want to fly
now i want to deny
now i want to out cry

so i say good bye

winter

we had a great time at my dads house i wil miss himi but im gald to be home with my mom and just school is about to start and im so excited its going to be crazy being my last semester of high school than i go to college and i think i figured out what i want to do in life so im even more happy im going to stay home the next two years i hope.. who knows what is next???? life is such a mystry to me... that is the best part:)

my aspirations are my own...
my thoughts are my own...
my dreams are my own...

my life is nothing i own
even my freedom is not my own
its a privilege that i was given by someone else paid the hefty price for. I want to thank them all of them every single person who has fought to keep my freedom because to be completely honest I am too scared to do it myself.. i am a coward..

TuRkEy DaY

Yummy food....

Family..

Laughter...

Smiles..

Thankfullness..

I could go on and on about what im thankfull for but you know what...

Im not going to

because...

....i just did above

its not the length of your life but the depth

"Its not the lenght of my life but the depth"-Emmerson
I love this quote but im very troubled with the very meaning of it
i understand that it needs interpretaion but every one has there own ion and the way i analyzed it for my person usage i could help thinking about my own life and if i enjoy my life enough that i would be ok with it ending tommrow would i be satisfied with what i have done or would i regret somethings in it like not exprincing some of lifes joys like being in love or seeng some of the worlds most beautiful sights... i know one thing though

if i did i would be happy for the person i have become i would be glad that i know i have so many people that love me more than i could ever imainge possible and that is what makes me and my life great